Guilt
by 4getTHEfear
Summary: Jim needs to get something off his chest after he wakes up. Bones helps him. Just a one-shot about how Jim feels after Bones saves his life in STID.


James T. Kirk was up late.

"Certainly not the first time," Leonard McCoy mumbled under his breath. He had invited Kirk to stay with him at his empty and rarely used apartment after Jim was discharged from the hospital. Jim needed to rest and relax for once. His time in the hospital hadn't counted. Leonard knew as well as Jim did that the kid hadn't relaxed a second while he was stuck in that bed with the monitors and the nurses asking him questions every hour. No, Jim needed some _real_ rest. And then in the middle of the night, Leonard had gotten up to use the bathroom, only to walk past the guest room and see that Jim wasn't resting at all. He wasn't even in bed.

After entering the room himself, Leonard found him sitting on the windowsill, staring up at the night sky through the glass. He almost made a joke about how cliché the scene was, but couldn't find it in him to make light of such an obviously vulnerable and emotional moment for his best friend. Jim Kirk was never vulnerable and emotional. With Leonard, the word "never" was replaced by "rarely". And when these rare moments occurred, Leonard knew to take it seriously.

"Hey, Bones," Jim greeted him tonelessly, without looking back to see who had arrived behind him.

"Were you expecting me?" Leonard asked gruffly, moving to lean against the wall beside the window so he was in Jim's line of sight.

Jim shrugged. "Just knew you'd come," he responded quietly.

Leonard nodded, understanding. The two remained silent for a while, Leonard contemplating how to speak to Jim, and Jim continuing to stare out the window as if he had no intention of saying anything. Finally, Leonard opened his mouth to speak, but ended up closing it again. He'd let Jim speak when he was ready. He was only there to provide Jim with a way to release what he had so blatantly been holding inside himself since he woke up from the coma. The silence continued.

"I thought I was dead, Bones," Jim eventually said, a strange tone in his voice.

"I know, kid," Leonard said, watching his friend carefully. He didn't know where Jim was going with this. The kid's face was frustratingly blank, giving Leonard no clues whatsoever.

"I was so scared," Jim continued, his voice breaking a little, "but I was ready." He looked straight at Leonard now, his eyes shining a little brighter than usual. "My dad died to save his crew. He gave his life so that everyone, including mom and I, would survive. And I was so mad at him for so long… for leaving me like that, leaving before I could even see him with my own eyes, let alone get to know the man…"

Leonard stared at Jim, still unsure as to where this was going.

"I thought I knew why he did what he did. I thought he did it so he could save everyone and be the hero, I thought he just did it because it was the right thing to do," Jim said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "But that wasn't it. When I was down there with Scotty, and we had our options laid out in front of us, there was only one that was possible. There was only one way to save the ship. Not because the others couldn't be done, because they could. We could've sat there and said our goodbyes, we could've gone into the warp core together, heck, I could've ordered Scotty to go in there and fix it himself." Jim paused, struggling to put into words what he had felt during those moments of absolute terror and hopelessness. How, when he realized what he had to do, it became so easy. Because there was no other way it could've been done. "It was because there was only one option, one decision, that I could live with," Jim finally said. "Or at least die with, knowing I had made the right call. And I made that decision, the decision to die for my crew, just like my dad did… I didn't want to make that choice. I didn't want to die, or play the hero, or any of that. But I couldn't let everyone die. I couldn't let you or Spock or Uhura or any of them die. Not when I could do something about it. And when I had done it, and I was lying there… I was ready to die because I knew from the start that that was what had to happen if I wanted everyone else to live." Jim sighed. "And then I woke up." Suddenly, Leonard knew _exactly_ what was going on in that self-incriminating head of Jim's.

"Jim."

"I wasn't supposed to wake up, Bones. My dad didn't. Everyone who's ever given their life for something greater than themselves didn't. It's like I cheated, like I—"

"Now you stop right there, Jim," Leonard growled. Jim looked like he was going to keep going anyway, but Leonard stepped forward and grabbed his hands forcefully, making sure the kid was listening to what he was about to say. "What you did is more brave and damn heroic than I can put into words. You saved the ship _and_ everyone onboard. You died so you could accomplish that, and the respect and trust that everyone has in you now can probably never be swayed, no matter how badly you screw up in the future, because you know you're bound to, the idiot that you are. The fact that we… that _I_ saved you," and now Leonard was getting choked up, damn it all, "doesn't change that in the least bit." Now it was Jim's turn to stare at Leonard, as he watched a man he'd thought of as rough and coarse as sandpaper tearing up as he tried to convince his best friend it was _okay_ to still be alive.

"Bones…"

"So don't you _dare_ feel guilty about being alive, because, damn it, I'm the one who's responsible, and if you hate yourself for the rest of your life because you didn't die, it'll be my fault. And I can't deal with that, Jim. You're my friend, hard as it is to believe, and I...I need you, Jim," Leonard looked down in embarrassment, his blurry vision not letting him see how Jim was taking his outburst. Jim watched Leonard sadly, feeling horrible for not thinking about how his own revelation might have had an effect on the older man.

"I'm sorry, Bones." Leonard looked up at the kid, and saw that the young captain meant it with every fiber in his being. He sniffed, and rubbed his eyes roughly.

"You better be damn sorry," Leonard finally choked out, deciding it was time to lighten the mood. Jim laughed, and the sound was music to Leonard's ears. "C'mon kid, I need a drink." Jim smiled knowingly and hopped off the windowsill, slapping Leonard on the back. With a swagger in his step that Leonard hadn't seen since before Jim was demoted after saving that damn Vulcan's skin, the kid led the way out of the apartment and to Bones' favorite bar.

* * *

_**I was doing some thinking about how STID ended, and it all felt rather rushed to me. But, that's what this website is for, right? This is what I thought Jim would be feeling after waking up. What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Did you like or dislike my writing? I love feedback guys, that's what the review button is for! Thanks for reading :D**_


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